what i didn't want to tell you, but must

it is with much anxiety that i write this next post. because let's just say you thought i was just a little bit tolerable. get ready to let go of that. i have a major coupon book now and in a major way. think this (scroll down to the video on her coupone binder), but alphabetized, unlabeled, and possibly bigger if you can fathom it.

let me walk you down the path that leads me to here...exposing the thing you wish you didn't know about me. there was an unfortunate event where i was caught on top of the washing machine assessing my stockpile shelf by someone that has known me for quite sometime.



my sister em with ava. ; )




one defensive explanation on top of that washing machine led to another and before i knew it i was baring my soul and presenting my coupon book and all its glory. i will not/can not do that here today. we're just gonna talk about it is'all. i'm just not ready yet. in fact i usually take it to the store with me and look both ways before i expose it in all its trapper keeper loveliness. though if you pretend that you are interested, i'm very easily persuaded to show you.


robbie pretends he's disgusted with all of this, but when he's not running to the store in a poop emergency with only diapers on the list (because we're stockpiled on diapers for at least a month!)....he LOVES it. just the very very quiet kind of way you can love something. you know the kind.



yes, things have changed quite a bit from my last post about toying with this coupon/stockpiling lifestyle. i'm in like flynn with it and there is no turning back. i've been doing this since then and it has proven to be worth my time. for the first 6 months or so i tracked my spending here. the first few months i did not really spend less, which i had heard that may happen when you start stocking up. but after a few months our grocery expenses have literally cut in half. the savings are definitely worth the little time that i have and if savings can be computed to getting paid - then it definitely pays more per hour than my job.

the other day olive asked me if next time we go to the store i could get her some blueberry yogurt. i told her that yes, i could. but then she hesitated....


"...but do you have a coupon for it and will it be on sale?"

it was then that i realized that this was going to be a little part of my legacy with them. you know how there are these things in life that make your mom, your mom?

like with my mom...it's the black licorice, the feasting when you are in her presence, the asian way she answers the phone, the mixing up of (very, VERY) common phrases, the Bible reading on the porch, the "global thinking", and the "this is the truth" talk. love you, mom.

and i have mixed emotions about how this will read to my own children one day. i want to keep my motives in check for why i do what i do. so, kids (if you do read this when you are "of age"), money is NOT everything or anything really unless you are CHANGING peoples lives with it and actually that truth is something that comes to mind when i think about my mom too. the older she gets, the more that she says that. and i am learning that the more you let it go, the more you attach to things that can really fill you up.


so i say, keep an eye on what God has blessed you with and keep checking yourself that your heart is not wrapped around it.






the girls now collect their own coupons. i passed down my original coupon book to them and they beg me for coupons that i won't use. you know you've got a problem when you can't even spare one. i save my expired ones for them. they also cut up random papers and declare them coupons. it's funny to see these glimpses of how they must view me. geesh, i'm awesome.





things i have let go of:

brand specific"ness" or pickiness, if you will. truth is. it don't matter usually. USUALLY. i still need my mitchum deoderant. i apparently sweat mud brown without it. though lately i am branching out to other deoderants that claim "clinical strength". cause that's what it's gonna take. but this can work in reverse too. i used to only buy off brand diapers. but recently had like 5 coupons for $5 off a package of huggies (i got 2 babes in diapers). waited for the sale and got 5 jumbo packs of diapers for $4 a piece. i am cringing at myself and begging me to shut up by the way right now. but this all must come out.

paying anything for toothpaste and paying more than a dollar for shampoo or conditioner: this is only if you do the CVS extra care buck thing. there is always a free deal for toothpaste every couple months. and always coupons for shampoo/conditioner making the dollar rule of thumb possible.

thinking about what i'm going to feed these kids: i don't have to think about what to feed the kids for breakfast and lunch. i buy what i find first at amazing savings (because i really do like feeding my family organic- and that is how we can afford to) and then what i find on sale and matched w/ a coupon. it is virtually decision free. tuna is what we have this week, kids. eat it or survive on your dora the explorer vitamin.



anyway, i'm nothing if not a promoter of things that are working for me. and i'm just popping in to tell you that i have very little spare time (this place helps in the time department and finds the sales that aren't even in the ads)and yet this is something that is worth that time. may i suggest before making some drastic financial decision in this tight economy to try this first? if you happen to be interested ask me and i'll talk your ear off about it sometime.


poor, poor, poor sweet tessa and her unborn daughter. she is my oldest friend that i still have (i think we're going on 17 years?) anyway she has seen me through "my new things" and then some. she made the mistake of asking me about this recently and i emailed her my thesis on it.





thank you, God, that people love me DESPITE

so here it is. that's enough about all that! so please, please come out of the woodworks here and tell me that you secretly do this stuff too. or tell me other nerdy things about you. i can't be alone in my nerdiness.

i believe....

julie here tagged me in a game. i did this on facebook, but i think i got too serious with it and did not follow the rules. i'm gonna try again and take it down a notch.

Here are the rules:
write 5 "beliefs" ...rules you live by and you are not allowed to get serious or preachy, political or religious! These are just for fun and to see if other people are as quirky as you!

1. i believe in thermal shirts under t-shirts.

2. i believe in goodwill thrift stores.

3. i believe in baby feet.


















4. i believe in a nationally recognized/federally regulated naptime everyday where you don't have to nap, but you do have to shut the crud up for 2 hours.

5. i believe in little girls in tights and little boys in baby blue.





i tag erin, sonia, and the gorman-fancy's!

i've done learned that

so as i delve deeper into my motherhood reflections and contemplate all my current struggles and faulty areas, i realize that after 4 years of this and 3 kids (whoa!)





our family at the open hearts work of heART exhibit






there are some things that i do know work for us. it is true. i have not done all of this in vain. i am like a hunter always searching for things to make this life easier, flowing, and (my favorite) more joyful. i am determined to make the present a time that we can be sure we did our best to enjoy. want to hear about what i've learned so far? i just love a good list. in no particular order whatsoever.

1) music is essential here. amongst all the painting


reading

tea parties, etc it is possible for a girl (me) to get a little...well, bored. i was my own person before all this, ya know?that's where "my jams" come in. if they are on in the background and i can sing or dance along while we're in the midst of all our little one fun, then i'm happy as a bird. or i've found that when i can sense that they are bored, which leads to fighting and other mosh pit like behaviors, that putting their music on puts them in a better mood and makes olive
forget that she wants to watch hours of television at a time. she just plum doesn't think about it as much, which leads to less arguments between her and i. which leads to domestic bliss, and indirectly world peace.

2) i have learned to say "yes" more. otherwise known as the popular "pick your battles". if olive
wants me to sing christmas carols in the summer before every nap and bedtime. i just do it.
if lucy needs to
run a lap around the table halfway
or quarterly throughout dinner. why not?


when every 10th second of their lives isn't a bad decision, we can work on these smaller annoyances. if they need to try on 3 pairs of gloves, working hard at getting each little finger in- before deciding on not wearing any of them at all in the end. even if it takes 10 minutes. i TRY to be patient (multi-tasking by picking up in the room to keep my mind off of their pokiness) i have been minutes behind a bad wreck that if i had hurried us out of the door instead of letting them take their sweet time - we might have been involved in. all i'm saying is that i have had to chill out a lil' bit.

you will notice that my children will not be the tamest ones you've ever seen out in public. but there are 3 little people we must consider for every tiny little thing and there just simply isn't the energy to work on every single challenge. so we focus on what we think are the biggies or at least they get on OUR nerves enough to not let them go ignored. and you don't know how painful this is for me to write this one. i have always been the kind of person that judged parents up and down for things. but now i really do get it. part of the battles you have to pick and choose every day is the battle to stay sane as well. i cannot happily parent if i'm nitpicking. i can't believe how much crow i am eating right now, by the way.

3) i have learned to say "no" more. it wasn't until a wake up call a few weeks back watching super nanny (yes, i love her) that i realized that i am not allowing my children to grow up in certain areas. olive for instance wants help finishing the last few bites of her meal to get to her dessert faster. and by "help" i mean spoon feeding her. for the past little while doing this makes me want to gag. hearing the silverware clink her teeth and then watching her big girl mouth chew and swallow - wasn't actually making my day. but i was doing it anyway. WHY? so she could have her dessert? why do i care if she gets to her dessert? so i finally have said "no, you are too big of a girl now." so i noted to self, "if it makes me cringe, i should just say no". when you are grossed out or overly annoyed doing something, it doesn't make you supermom to keep doing it. it will chip away at your joy actually. someone told me something once that i'll never forget. something like "you won't be annoyed at your children when you know they are doing the best that they can do." we don't get annoyed changing our babies diapers. but we do get annoyed changing our 3 year old's.

4) guilt has no business in your parenting or life at all, even if you're not a parent. it isn't from God. it is an evil way to rob your joy. there is a darkness in this world that would have us hating the good that we are doing. i used to get so angry at myself when i was frustrated with the kids. i would will myself into enjoying it. but i felt like a timebomb.


when i would hear that breaking point in robbie's voice when he'd had enough with the littles, the one that i had been suppressing all day long, i would get upset in my heart at him because he had no shame in it. but he was right and i wasn't. it's ok to feel like that. the way that you feel about your children is such a complicated love. for the first couple of years you get so used to feeling nothing but love so rich it brings you to tears. and then comes frustration so deep it can scare you. i call them love struggles.

so now i have learned that i need to respond to his breaking point by stepping in and taking over until he cools down. it is how he has always responded to my breaking point. and i have learned to except that reprieve without guilt. we always come back better and put back together.

5) photography. when the house is so messy (please see last post) and the kids won't get along and work is calling and you can't find your phone and there is spit up in your hair and no one has been bathed in days or a week and a half (sorry, finn)
and the noise level is inconceivable................life is still beautiful.
but it is really hard to remember that with just my own two eyes. so sometimes i get behind the lens and it helps. for instance. look at this moment.











paint on her face and grubby hands. this is a lot like how it looks in real life. nastiness and right up in my grill. if this picture could scan back you'd see that paint is covering her dress and up on her hairline too.

but there is a beautiful way to look at every moment in life. you just have to find it. and this is where i found mine.






took awhile to find it but look at her sweet little legs. this is a perfect example too of why i don't really do "play clothes" for the kids. why save all the cute stuff? i need to see them in their best every day. it helps me to remember that this life we're living is beautiful. even the nothing days at home. they are beautiful too.



6) their naptime is my time to do exactly what i want to do. cleaning and cooking are done while they are awake. yes i know that this takes away from our playtime together. but i'm not a kid and i don't enjoy playing all day long. (this took me forever to get to this point where i could admit that). what has resulted from this change is that they have a) become more independent

b) developed their friendship


c) become inspired to help out


and d) led to some hilarious discussion while we cook and clean

olive: mommy, we prayed for our president at school this morning. his name is Guac Obama

lucy: Rock o Mama!

olive to lucy: Rock o Mama needs to rock his body




7) and lastly pray outloud and keep your Bible out. my dear friend and mentor really barbara encouraged me to keep my Bible out and read it here and there while we play. this is what has happened as a result. but it has been worth it. the girls ask me to read it now while we paint or play and i get tiny tidbits of inspriation as we go along.


prayer....sometimes i pray really inspiring things that should be dubbed and sold to millions. and sometimes i just pray that God would help me not to beat them. whatever it is, they need to hear that He is where i turn to. my help is in Him. and i'm finally, finally learning that. what have you learned?

dear lord, help us......

it's time for confessionals again.




this room represents how my head feels. this room represents how my heart feels. actually every picture makes it look cuter than it feels. this third child business is rocking my ever loving world. truthfully he is so very wonderful and is the "easy" in my house. the breath of fresh air.

WHAT is not to love? not one little thing.

i could eat...him...up
this child does not want for love

i just can NOT seem to get my act together. i am constantly in prayer these days. i seriously listen to a sermon every day just to stay encouraged. my workload has doubled lately though i'm trying desperately to keep my hours to what they were at before. but that place really needs me full time right now..... but so do my children.



we are having growing pains in a big way. i need help with some functional things here. back to the first picture. how do i keep all of the toys organized? is their some secret system that all you moms have figured out and are hiding from me. because i cannot figure out how to get everyone to just put LIKE THINGS TOGETHER. when all the little peoples, legos, baby doll stuff is together...they have so much more INDEPENDENT fun = mommy is less likely to lock herself in the bathroom. i have started spending all of our spare money on bins. and i try to sort everything quickly at the end of the day so that it is there ready for them to destroy again in the morning. seriously. how do you keep it all attractively organized? robbie and i do NOT thrive in a house like this. it stalls us. it paralyzes us. we find reasons to argue when the house looks like this. but my body actually aches during the kids naptime, begging me to just sit and do nothing that resembles cleaning. what are your secrets? spill it!

babes and birthdays

my oh my does a year fly by when you're busy fetching, cooking, wiping, changing, spanking, feeding, hugging, kissing, burping, clothing, (hiding), praying.....all for the love of some little ones.

my girly girls have (had) birthdays 3 weeks-ish
apart from each other in this season.

this ball of fun turns 4 on wednesday.












and babycakes just turned 2. oh no! my last baby girl. the clothes will be packed up and out of here soon. no more saving them for the next one.












so go ahead and let the hate mail begin. there will not be any real "party" for these two this year. we have and will do a little small something amongst ourselves. but no invitations will be sent, no real gathering will occur. i promise them here though on the internet that you both will get your party on next year. but mommy is overwhelmed right now! i'm barely preparing proper meals at night. i just need a year off from this. you won't remember, will you girls? i'd rather spend my extra time making you your 2 year and 4 year movies. which! i figured out how to get them off of movie maker and onto the internet here so now i can have them forever. olive's first video is on a format that i don't know how to make compatible.

olive's second year


lucy's first year

Click To Play

olive's third year

Click To Play

favorite quotes from olive this year
first thing said to me after coming downstairs from her nap "i squished my baby's bottom together and it was a lot of crazy"
after discussing all the details that God cares about "He even cares about our tushies!"
after asking her to help me with something "i really can't right now. i have to work on my coupon book"

deciding to leave a bikini top on "i'm just gonna keep this on so that my breasts will be comfortable."
"i'm gonna be the smartest girl in the whole wide world!"

very favorite thing you do at this age
sing patty griffin's "top of the world" at the top of your lungs, eyes closed, feeeeeeling it





favorite memories of lucy this year
after we had a scary few minutes with olive when she was choking on an orange slice, you brushed her tear wet hair out of her face with your little, chubby fingers and said "you k, ollo?"

finding you tenderly rubbing iona with lotion

the way you call your feet "totsies"

that you obey olive faster than you do me - yes i do now tell olive to tell you what to do, when i need you to do something quickly. i'm pretty awesome like that.
the monumental tantrum you threw on the beach of lake lure ending in you laying alarmingly still in the sand for about 5 minutes. all because we cut you off on popsicles after your 4th one. you may never live this down!
how you referred to finn as "beebee fun" for the first month of his life
how after you got stung by many bees one day on the swingset, even weeks later you would occasionally say "da bees" out of nowhere and start crying all over again about it. it was one of those sad, cute things.
the bothered way you say "uh uh" for "no"
the impatience you have for another song to come on in the 3 seconds it takes the ipod to move to the next one and how you always want it "yowder"
the way you squealed when we gave you your first baby doll

anna may be cooler than us all

really wish that i could introduce you to anna with a picture. but there are no pictures of anna. because anna is olive's imaginary friend and has been with us for about 8 months. we're all used to her, really. robbie and i no longer smirk at each other when she's mentioned. she's as normal as tantrums around here now.


anna is a renaissance woman of sorts. she makes a lot of olive's clothes, she is the artist of all of the art in olive's room, she made a couple of my flower vases, and she does all of this and still has time to talk to olive on the phone several times a day. we send anna mail now and flowers to thank her for all the thoughtfulness. anna is many different things, depending on the day. olive is married to anna. anna is just her friend that goes to parties with her. anna is her dog. anna is even the doctor who cuts her hair. the other day after hanging up with anna on the phone, olive asked me if i would pray for anna's sister who was very sick. i said that of course i would and asked what her name was. "anne". we're super creative.

anyway, we find it pretty cute and go right along with it. it touched me that she would go straight to Him in times of need for her friend's sister. i wish that was always where i headed immediately. i prayed that Jesus would heal anne and hopefully God hears prayers about imaginary friends's sick sisters. i'm pretty sure He does.

thanks and blessings

i'm in richmond, feeling very thankful. while i don't have my pictures here to give visuals of thoughts, i do have some time on my hands with the kids all occupied with family that love them and don't have the heart to tell them that they are tired of playing hide and seek for the 3rd hour in a row. God bless them for their energy. so i've had some time to relax, which leads to thinking, which leads to expression...so hence the reason i blog today.

i'm so thankful for all the blessings lately...we love the baby boy pants off our finn. he's beautiful and bright eyed and we can't help but call him pretty. another biggie is that my parents live minutes away from us now and we get to be a part of eachother's day to day and they go above and beyond with helping us with the girls and giving us reprieves. also topping the list is having a maternity leave from my two days at the facility. while i miss my friends there and the creative energy of the students, and the change of pace from motherhood, it has been immensely important this go round to my mental and emotional health of my family. aside from making sure all the littles have all their needs met, and trying to get our out the door time down to under 2.5 hours, i've been trying to figure out how to continue to do the things that i like, love, and/or need to do now that we've added one more little person to the mix that depends on me. and i may have figured it out. i can either cut some things out and accept that OR accept that if i try to do everything it will not be the most perfect expression of myself or thoughts or heart or passion towards whatever it is i'm doing. and i think that i've decided that i will be more content with the latter. i think everyone at least subconsciously makes this decision at different transition periods of their lives. i know moms do at least.

and all of this has shown me that i don't have anything together and that i'm just a big old loser. really. leading me to my biggest thanks this year. that Jesus came like He did, took the Bible and lived it out to show that all that stuff that God was saying was beautiful when put to action. it looked so easy, but when i try to live my life like that i realize how hard it is not to be self centered and i see how perfect He really is and how i am just...well not. but He loves me just as i am anyways. just how i love the my own children. and i GET IT thank you very much.

and i'm also thankful for music which is sometimes the only thing that can express what you feel inside.
so i leave us with sufjan who says it like i feel it.
"if i was crying
in the van
with my friend
it was for freedom
from my self and
from the land
i've made a lot of mistakes
i've made a lot of mistakes
i've made a lot of mistakes
i've made a lot of mistakes
i've made a lot of mistakes"