a nest undone

i am 28 weeks pregnant with this baby boy and there are still so many undone things. i am feeling less of the need to physically nest as i did the first time or two ago and more of an understanding that the nesting that needs to take place is more in our heads. a mental, emotional nesting, if you will. mental nest #1... what were we thinking having 3 this close together!? did we lose our minds? we must have just been at an easier spot when making this decision.


yup, that must have been it. look at how angelic they are pretending to be.




seriously, how do you keep them all well-fed, accounted for, and safe? yesterday in the church parking lot as lucy was crawling up into the mini-van, she lost her footing majorly and dove head first into one of the weird-o exposed mechanisms on the sliding door. the sight of blood gushing from your baby's head is a very unnatural one if you haven't discovered yet.

the doctor was able to glue it closed since it had cut her perfectly horizontally. you can kind of see it on the left side of her forehead, just up from the watercolor paint on her upper lip. this happens to her accidentally, olive usually paints a body part on purpose every paint session. anyway, scary stuff for parents that have been second guessing the soundness of their own minds lately. but he is on the way and according to God's plan so it will work out. and things will get done and settled eventually.

i know now that he doesn't need his room all set up and just so like i thought the girls did. he just needs clean clothes, a blanket or two, a safe place to sleep, a source of food, diapers, and a family that wants him. third babies don't even need all of that stuff in designated places and in cute little baskets that 3 and 1 years olds will dump out and use for their baby dolls crib or something. sometimes its best just to let things find their home as you go.


olive at 3 months in her perfectly organized pink and green room. you should see her room today. less pregnant, nesting, new mom cute and more 3T sized panties on every baby doll kind of cute.





no, he'll most likely sleep in this little basket by our bed for the first couple months like the girls did. and hopefully i'll run across a crib bumper that i like before he's in his crib full-time.





look at sweet little lucy bea, 3 days old. she was so happy in this moses basket. but we kicked her out at 9 weeks so we could all get some sleep. she was such a little lu-bird back then.






yes, he should be just fine there. it's the decisions that need to be made that are stumping us. what will his name be for one? i know that will dawn on us eventually here soon enough. this doesn't bother me that he is unnamed the way that it does robbie. he explains that its part of his nesting process and a way for him to connect to him. to have a name that he can call him until he's here. so that when we pray for him, we can call him by his name. i can see that. he doesn't feel all the movements that i do, reminding me that he's here and coming and forcing me to be aware of his presence several times a day. so i guess we need to get that figured out for robbie's sake. i actually saw the name "lowlife" in our baby name book. can you imagine?

but even more importantly than that is another hot topic in our household. to vaccinate him according to the mainstream schedule or not. so many, many things mulling around in our heads. it seems that a peaceful decision is not out there for us. whatever is decided is truly going to be us being led in one direction by hopefully the hand of God. because at this point, we are frustratingly unsettled on the matter.

we vaccinated these girls. i'm slightly embarrassed to say that we really didn't give it much thought, discussion, or prayer. just did it. it was and is the beaten path and it works out just miraculously for most. there is just a handful of those that it doesn't for and so it would seem that the scientific thing to do would be to assume that we are in the majority. but there is a factor that makes our case different than most. especially since we are having a boy.

this is our nephew, micah, when he was almost 3 and just before he was diagnosed with autism. i love his face in this picture. at this age he could run miles without stopping. it was unbelievable.



here at 4 with his dad. he's a very happy little man.







he's six now. he's the one on the far right. this was just a few weeks ago at lake lure. those are his brothers joshua and elijah. and on a side note, i am so thrilled to have this picture of the three of them together actually looking at the camera. i've never accomplished this before, but i also never tried ice cream either. anyhoo, we love this guy dearly. he smiles and sings and loves to be by himself and loves to line up rocks and shells and study things intently. he's fascinating to watch and i pray as the years go by, he allows us more and more into his world so we can know him even more.

we all know that they don't know why this happens. they argue about it. but i work with adults with disabilities and happen to believe the school of people that insist they know for certain that there child was different after a vaccination. and researches are pretty unanimous that a genetic predisposition triggered by an environmental factor plays at least somewhat of a role. i feel like this time period that we are in is right on the cusp of a wealth of understanding on the subject and that maybe we need to hold off a few years to see what is learned. i'm just so not sure though. neither of us are. are you? what did you do for your children? how did you come to the decision that you came to? or what would you do if you had children? we'd love your feedback on the subject.

boy, son, man...i'm a little scared

so we found out that we're going to have a boy, son, man (someday). it's happy news to this house. i've always been a little tentative about being the mom of a son. i wasn't quite sure what that looked like for a long time. but now i have many wonderful examples of that in my life.


cajes helping his mommy, sonia - my close friend and co-director, cook. he has the most endearing little face. doesn't he?



carrie, here with her middle son andrew and husband steve, now has 3 boys! all 2-3 years apart! and she is the most gentle mom you'll ever meet. i could never imagine her losing her cool. i actually don't believe that she does. if she yelled it would still sound sweet.



tahra, who does NOT own a computer (i don't get it and she can't be convinced) and will never know she's on the www, with her son levi, now has 3 children - 2 are boys.

my big sister, natalie, with our micah. her middle son of 3 boys. yes, another one of those moms! i always look up to moms with 3 sons. they are so tough. all that testosterone under one roof. i can't even fathom it. how do you pretend to be interested in figurines that transform from one ungirly thing to another ungirly thing everyday of your life?



liz and will...loved, dear, and close to this family's hearts. whenever he comes over, he kicks the energy level up a few notches. we went camping last weekend with them and while my girls stayed on the trails. he was blazing through bush wack. am i ready for that? i'm really scared of snakes. what if he brings one home to me someday or something?


just to name a few mother/sons that i know and can glean from. but the point is...all these mothers have survived so far. and every one of them have told me how much fun boys are. at this point, there is so much emotion and drama in my house that i welcome a change.


"i just don't feel like talking about things right now." she tells me as if she's 16 and has problems.
thank God she's cute.

there still are some things that i'm not sure i'm tough enough for. like what about the way that boys don't need their moms when they are men? first of all, is that true? i know independence is a goal in parenting and part of the circle of life, and could happen with daughters too. it's just a selfish thought i've had. what will our relationship be like later? time will tell i suppose.

but i think a boy will fit in just fine with these sweet girls. i just hope he treats their baby dolls with respect. because these girls transform from gentle mothers to fierce, rabid, psycho killers over some babies.


good luck, little guy. and God bless our family, please. we're so happy that we will be complete...God willingly complete.

little mama

despite my warnings against it, lucy bea is growing up at speedy rates.
things are on the brink of change and i feel the need to document this place in time with her. because she will be 18 months in a week and things happen at that point. don't they? the tantrums, although still amusing coming from such a little thing, just ever so slowly start to become less cute. you begin to start plans to change some of their natural inclinations.

after having gone through this once before i can see that at least between the ages of 0-3.5. this short period of time, is my very favorite. this time right between baby and 2 years old.

i just love how they point at everything, trying to give meaning and identity to what they are seeing and learning.










and you can only really make out half of what they are babbling about if you're lucky, so you can only assume that they are trying to emphatically express the sweetest and most loving of ideas.

now robbie and i did not rock our babies to sleep. we followed a book called babywise that recommended against it and were happy with all the benefits of that route. and while i was happy that i didn't have to rock or nurse our girls to sleep, i would have liked to every very now and again. i would sometimes sneak into their rooms when they were still little and heavy sleepers and watch them for a few minutes.


lucy at 2 months.



the other night before robbie and i shut the house down, he insisted that lucy needed a short sleeve shirt on instead of the long one that i had put on her. so i attempted to change her with as little disruption as possible after she had been sleeping a few hours already. she was determined to keep sleeping and was a wet noodle. and pregnant bellies make for difficult interactions with cribs. i ended up having to pull her out to set her on my lap to get the job done. but i found that after i had her there laying against me asleep, i didn't want to stop holding her. and we stayed like that for 20 minutes probably.

my goodness, there really is such a thick peace to a baby sleeping against you. that really isn't a joke. it kind of took my breath away to be honest. so i took that rare, still, quiet opportunity to just stare at her face and study her features. she is unbelievably precious. and that is when i noticed her body. it is literally at that very moment of baby turning into child. and at that moment i just wanted the clocks to just stop for a little while so i can really acknowledge it all in the busyness of our life.
so little lucy, i just want to capture you as you are right now at 17 and 3/4 months, before i start to have times when i'm mad and frustrated at you, before we go through that time period where we have more bad days than good, before i start to wish you a little older, and while you are still the baby in the family. to us you are a joy, our "cakie pants" and "lu bird". at this age you are a graceful twirler, you blow the most desired kisses in the house, you are the most successful olive mood picker upper, and all the baby dolls in the house long to be your pick for the day, because you are the best little mama around to them. you are such a little sunshine to this house and we would burst open if we loved you anymore.

genius peanuts

so those of you that have been around 2 year olds know that this is when they start to say the funniest things and come up with the strangest notions that you've ever heard uttered. and it doesn't stop at 2. it probably never stops because i'm sure i said some gems even as a teenager that were gold. i mean, that really is when you're at your dumbest. can we all agree?
i'm sure that there have been a hundred things that olive has said that i have lost in my memory. i better start getting these things down so that i can remember. sonia keeps a journal of all the hilarious and precious things that cajes has said - and he keeps them coming. i think that's a great, wise idea and will now use this blog as that journal. on tuesday i had a horrible day with olive. she whined (moms, how do you you stop this?) so much about everything so much that i wanted to throw myself off of the roof. she overheard me talking to robbie about it and later asked "i was not good today?" i responded "no, not good at all. your behavior was....(pausing to find the right words)" and she guessed "genius?" oh, how can you stay mad?
our dear friend, will, is 2. he is olive's BFF. well usually. lately they have had some beef though and they may be more like 2nd BFF's lately. but will calls his privates "peanuts". no one told him to name them this. he was told the truth when he asked about it. but "peanuts" is what he heard and peanuts is what they are to him. olive spent the day with liz and will yesterday while i went to work. on an olive potty break, will tagged along to catch the action. when olive pulled down her skirt and panties will said "OH, olive, your peanuts look great!"
now this is not my child's funny to post. but i had to share this story. i have giggled about it off and on since she told me. thank you, liz, for the permission to share.
so i'd love to hear some things that you have heard out of the mouths of babes.

happy 60th birthday, mom

my mom is the woman. everybody thinks that their mom is, but really it's mine. sorry, you've been wrong your whole lives. but now you know.


nonnie and lucy with the cake


she has always shown us that loving Jesus is in your actions. its about living Him, denying yourself, and putting others before yourself. as a child i saw her give up excessive amounts of her time and money to people in need - children needing tutoring, families needing groceries, babysitting for single mothers, cleaning peoples houses when they couldn't help themselves, taking people dinners in hard times... i saw her on the phone with people for hours just listening to them tell her their stories. everyone wants to be heard in their dark hours. i saw her devoting time to things that no one would ever know to thank her for - working for years in the back kitchen for an inner city food ministry, giving countless rides to people so they could get to work or church. doing things that really mattered.

and the things that have been done just for her family are greater and more unfathomable. this is a lady that when i, her private Christian schooled daughter, told her that instead of going to college would travel with the Rainbow Family and/or follow my favorite bands around, taught me how to make hippy shirts so that i could sell them and have a way to eat. thankfully i decided against that route, but at least i would have been prepared. i could go on and on. like how she befriended my friends even when we were all unlovable and heading down wrong paths together. she didn't blame anybody for being a bad influence. she just prayed, spoke truth into our lives, trusted, and loved us anyway. i hope i can be like that. but i'm not sure. she has such a peace. well, usually. she also is known for sleepless nights over the menu for christmas dinner 2008.

my mom travels from charlotte every week to watch my children for me so that i can work. she has done this since olive was born.

she will not accept gas money, nor childcare money. and often times, against my wishes (because it strickens me with guilt), makes us dinner and cleans my house. i'm thankful for this beyond words for obvious reasons. but the main one is that i'm glad that my children have her example in their lives. some of this stuff is bound to rub off on them, right?
ok, enough. my mom is cringing somewhere i'm sure. she's not a compliment taker. but i had to put this out there. she would never let me get through acknowledging her verbally in her company.
this past weekend our family (my parents, sisters, brother in laws, and nephews and neice) all came here and celebrated her by just hanging out and being together. here are some pictures of the fun times. my parents also announced that they will be putting their home for sale in charlotte, and finally making the long awaited move to this area. pumped about this.

nonnie, pa, and ava ~~~~~~~~~the gorman-fancys~~~~~~~~~the herreras

praying for our wants, praying for our needs

the whole month of may i have been on stomach bug patrol. let me explain. this family seems to almost always catch a stomach bug, and often in 3's. often in may.


somewhere in charlotte, my mom, the most inspiring woman on the planet (more on that at a later time), can be heard saying in a northern yet southern accent "jess, do not speak that over yourself." these are words of wisdom that i grew up hearing and still to this day say in my head and sometimes aloud if feeling bold. i'm not even quite sure that i know what i'm saying or what i mean or what she meant. but it feels like the right thing to do.

many of you may remember this from last fall.


oh the drama this was. this is my then 2 year old at the hospital from a stomach bug that in the
end lasted 20 FREAKING days. had never even heard of a bug lasting that long. and her little, baby sister's lasted that long as well. you don't even want to know about the clean up that goes into a bug of 2 children that can't make it to a toilet for that length of time. and we're not just talking vomit, friends. i'll never forget robbie in the middle of the night, pacing the house, basically in chant form saying "Lord, please have mercy on us". it was our most stressful time as parents since bringing olive home from the hospital.
we were worried, folks! even though the doctors insisted that this could happen to healthy children, it didn't seem right.

but God did bring us out of it and the lessons learned were such that i would go through it all again to understand them as deeply as i did during that time.

all that to say that i have a healthy fear of this bug now and really don't want it anywhere near my family. robbie and i have never agreed more on a matter. so we have done what we can do as parents of a 3 and 1 year old that suck their thumbs pretty consistently. we carry wet ones and antibacterial gel around with us like they are weapons and have become wiping and squirting fools. i'm certain that i've embarrassed myself with it. i wouldn't be surprised if i had an unknown nickname or persona out there like "freak-o mom" or something more creative. and knowing that i'm susceptible too, i've been really careful with myself. the only thing that we haven't done is avoided life. mainly because i think that's a step over the line into panic and unhealthy fear. so we've had people over, we've gone to birthday parties and cookouts with communal food, we've gone to work, to church, to restaurants, heck even hugged people. i have kissed each family member on the mouth in the month of may. i admit this. so i suppose i haven't done everything i could do to avoid this.

monday night at the dinner table in addition to praying for the food, thanked God for keeping us healthy thus far and asked Him to continue to do so. 2 hours later i had made the bathroom my home for the next 8 hours. stomach bug, people.

i'm really not mad at God. i have nothing close to that to say. i completely believe that He allows us to go through things for a greater, higher purpose that we don't understand at the time. i could bet my life on the fact that he shapes us up and gives our lives purpose and meaning through the hard times. i'm realy ok with that. i promise. i actually love it and understand it as a parent. i'm ok that my prayers are not answered. i still feel the need to thank Him, to worship Him. He still awes me and brings me to tears of joy over the way that He HAS provided, for the protections that He HAS given.

but here is my question. why does He ask us to pray for what we want? why does He ask us to be direct in Matthew (version the Message) He says "be direct. ask for what you need." why does He want to know what i want and need, when ultimately He's got the plan, the big old picture, His will. i'd rather have what He thinks is best. is that what i should be direct about?

so please do weigh in. i know there are some differing opinions out there.



robbie's grandparents have devoted their older adult lives to the power of prayer over sickness. they are the experts on God's healing. or at least experts to us. they have seen miraculous healings in their lives. experienced miraculous healings.

they have told us again and again that God does not want nor allow us to be sick for any circumstance. so i'd love to hear your opinions in particular. what about the molding and discipline that God puts into us though? like parents to their children.

sweet little details

i got inspired by reading a strangers blog that maybe this was something i could get into. it's a great way to document life as it flies by. and i am a documenter by nature. i keep a "family journal" that i write in weekly, usually just a paragraphed highlight of the week. i keep a scrapbook of things that have been given to me. cards, letters, ticket stubs, hospital bracelets. some things i keep because i love it. some things i keep because i want it to jog my memory one day when i look at it. my memory is horrible, by the way. anything to help it is a good thing. there are embarrassing things that i can't remember. it makes me really nervous, especially after i had children, that i was going to forget these moments slipping through time. that i would be an old lady one day and retrieving no sweet little details of their lives. very scary to me for their sake too. i want them to have stories. so in addition to their baby books (that i update weekly at least) i also have a scrapbook for each of them. same idea. nothing creative or fancy. i just tape in cards given to them, valentines from preschool, a note that robbie wrote for olive the first day he had to go back to work after lucy was born, encouraging her to be good, help mommy, and simply that he loved her very much. i remember, because i have this crumpled up evidence, that she carried that note around all day and asked me to read it to her several times. the sweet little details. i also take tons of pictures and video. partly as a creative outlet. partly because i am afraid to forget how precious they are just on an ordinary tuesday morning eating their breakfast. it is a problem that i have. but thank God for digital cameras. so this blog could be the ultimate documentation. if ever our house burned down and i couldn't grab the computer, the baby books, the photo albums, the scrapbooks, and the journal...this would always be there in computer space to retrieve. so you see, it's just plain smart to start a blog. it would be dumb of me not to - not vein and self indulgent like i once thought. highly intelligent, witty, and quite genius actually. well done, me.